All of me
by Luney-Luna
Summary: Remus reflects upon being the last marauder after the battle at the ministry.


AN: I do not own Harry Potter or anything else in the JKR world. The song lyrics for this fic are "My Immortal" by Evanescence. Please read and review!  
  
I was always afraid of being alone. Who would want to be friends with a werewolf? You came into my life and I was never truly alone again. Padfoot, you and Prongs are my brothers still. Even in death. You saved me long ago from myself and I could not save you. And you're all gone.  
  
I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone  
  
The headquarters which you left to me has so many memories. I can feel you in the rooms, and I keep hoping that everything has been a dream that I can wake from. I know it's not, but I can't and won't forget. Not only do I have no idea how to remove my memories from my mind without an obliviate, but I also have no desire to cheapen our friendship by viewing it as something disposable.  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time can not erase  
  
A battle without casualties is hardly a battle. We knew that 15 years ago, and we knew it when we arrived at the Ministry. I just never expected to casualty to be you. Harry and I just got you back, and you're gone again. I am the expendable one, not you. We need you. I know that you would not have wanted it to end differently. If one had to die fighting for Harry and the wizarding world; a world that locked you away and branded you a murderer, then you wanted to be there risking limb and life with the rest of us.  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me  
  
Those nights after Azkaban. I can only imagine how awful it was. You were innocent and knew that you had been betrayed by someone I mourned as a brother. I would do anything for you, and for James and Lily. And would have for Peter also, until I realized the truth. I spent years wondering how you could have turned the Potters over to Voldemort. I will not be scared of his name anymore. I'm guilty of believing what I was told, and not trying to find the truth. I would have killed you with my bare hands if necessary, and I beg for your forgiveness for the sin of never searching for the truth. My brother by love not blood, how am I supposed to go on and keep fighting knowing that we've lost so many?  
  
You used to captivate me by your resonating mind Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me  
  
I'm dwelling in dreams, inside of my own head. For a few brief moments I can see us back at Hogwarts. Then I see us during the first war all ready to die for each other and the cause. All of you have. It's just me who isn't making the ultimate contribution. And I have to stay alive. That's killing me inside. I am not allowed to let go and be with my grief and let my life end. I have to remain strong, for Harry. For the Order. For your memories. Cowardice would be quite unbecoming for the last marauder.  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time can not erase  
  
Everyone took the loss very hard. Even Snape, who I never expected to offer a kind word, said that you shouldn't have gone this way. Our world is changing and we need you. The marauders (or what was left of us) were going to help Harry defeat Voldemort, and now it's up to me alone to be supportive. You were the closest thing to a parent he's ever had and I watch Harry slip in and out of melancholy, and occasionally reach the level of despair I've been feeling since I saw you fall. I have to be strong for him. Harry needs me, he needed you, but most of all he must not blame himself. Some things are worth dying for. Lily and James knew it, and now so do you. If nothing else I want Harry to understand that sometimes we lose the ones that we love for a better cause; something bigger than all of us. This brave front I'm keeping is harder than accepting that you are really gone. I have to pretend that I want to keep fighting and keep living, when I don't. I want to end it all and have the pain go away.  
  
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along  
  
I was always destined to be alone. The moon does that to you when she controls you. It's a beauty that you wish you did not know, and cannot avoid. A lonely life controlled by something so simultaneously breathtaking and grotesque. I'm used to being alone. I just wish I did not have to be. Oh God, Sirius why did you leave us? It's just me left. How on earth am I supposed to survive this again? It nearly killed me the first time, and I can't let it this time. There's too much at stake. I have to be strong, and don't know how much I really have left in me. Being strong alone is far harder than with you and James. Though I am loathe to admit it, I am jealous that you all are safe and have found peace while I am still here tormented by my body and my memories. I can only guess how much longer I have in this world. We were four. Then three. Two, and finally one.  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears I held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me  
  
I will not give up my brothers while I still have a breath in my body. Your deaths will not have been in vain. Lily's death will not have been in vain. Harry will defeat him. And I'll die for him if I have to, just as you would have done for me. I swear to you. 


End file.
